Pass the Monkey Glue

Certain towns in parts of the USA are currently gripped in fervent (and sometimes litigious) debate over a fascinating late entrant into the old creation versus evolution argument, namely "intelligent design". Having apparently sprung out of nowhere, without so much as a big bang, so to speak, this is a movement which claims there is a radical, alternative middle way.

For those who have not heard the case put by intelligent designers, it goes something like this: The natural world is so amazing and complicated that it cannot all have come about by chance (even over a very long time) and in any case some of the things out there suggest evidence of having been designed by an intelligent force. Proponents of this approach claim that it is based on scientific evidence. Many mainstream scientists argue that this new theory is based more on religious conviction than serious science.

School districts here have got themselves into a lather about whether to teach this theory alongside evolution. Some that have attempted to do so have been sued by groups of disgruntled parents.

It looks like this debate will continue to run and run - it has after all been bubbling along on and off since the famous "monkey trial" of John Scopes, a Tennessee biology teacher, in 1925.

Another approach to all this - not so often aired in public because it invloves less arguing and litigation - is that there is no need to plug the gaping dichotomy between religious and scientific thought because the two are not necessarily in contradiction. In this approach, we allow theology to tackle the "why" questions, to which it is best suited ("Why are we here?", "Why should I be anything other than selfish?"), and we allow science to deal with the "how" questions, to which it is best suited ("How did we get here?", "How do things work?").

To put it another way, there is a good reason why scientists and theologians tend to produce different answers - it's because they are asking different questions.

When in doubt on such matters of deep philosophical significance, I find one can do a lot worse than turning to Ohio's post-punk flowerpot warriors, Devo. To quote their seminal "Are we not men? We are Devo!": "God made man, but a monkey supplied the glue". Amen.

Anyone for Association Football?

When Paul Gascoigne once appeared in court and was introduced by his defence lawyer as a professional football player, the judge famously asked if this was a reference to Association Football. It was. This story often springs to mind here in the USA every time I have to remember to call the beautiful game "soccer" in order to be understood.

But there's more to it than nomenclature. There is something different about US soccer which it's not easy to put one's finger on.

Let me give you an example. My eldest son is very much enjoying playing in the village U-10 C team, otherwise known as the Raptors. I have been spending many a happy weekend hour freezing on the touchline whilst the Raptors get hammered by a variety of local teams, with names like the Eagles, the Raiders and the Gladiators. Needless to say, in such circumstances, one has to find a way to keep spirits up, and self-deprecating terraces humour usually does the job. At least to my British way of thinking.

So, away recently to the marvellously-named Armonk Fire (their debut album is first rate, by the way), at 5-0 down and with only two minutes to go, I shouted earnestly from the touchline, "Come on boys, we only need six!". (Okay, not perhaps the most original terrace heckle of all time, but not a bad effort.) Nothing. Not even so much as a courtesy chuckle from the gaggle of freezing parents all around me. Don't be seduced by the old fallacies about the American sense of humour or their grasp of irony - this is the country which gave us The Simpsons, Saturday Night Live and, er, Different Strokes.

On another occasion, we were hanging on (temporarily) to 0-0 against a team I shall not mention, for a reason which is about to become obvious. My boy broke away in the area, with only one defender to beat, and it appeared that his first goal for the team was a formality. Unfortunately the last defender was a huge kid, at least twice the size of anyone else on the field, in all dimensions. Ignoring the ball completely, he flattened my son, using only the forceful application of his huge belly. Once the magic sponge had been applied, and we had established that there were no serious injuries, my natural reaction was to lead the home parents in a stirring chorus of "Who ate all the pies?". But, looking around at the earnest faces, still concerned about my son's welfare, I decided that perhaps they might not know the tune.

More Yeast, Vicar?

Most of us can remember being told, in Sunday school or RE lessons, something along the lines that "the Bible isn't a single book; it's 66 different books, including history books, poetry books, and books of moral instruction". Very rarely did that list include "cookery books". Nevertheless, the good people at Food for Life Baking Co Inc of Corona, California have not let themselves be restricted by such narrow hermeneutics. In the noble tradition of literal biblical interpretation, they are proud to supply "Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted Grain Bread" to a health food shop near you. The orange wrapper explains that, in chapter 4 and verse 9, Ezekiel instructs us to "Take also unto thee wheat and barley, and beans, and lentils, and millet, and spelt, and put them in one vessel, and make bread of it...". And that is precisely what they have done. The result is a product which the wrapper proudly declares reveals the "miracle of the sprouts", which apparently means that "this unique bread is made from freshly sprouted live grains and contains absolutely no flour".

Needless to say, when my family and I discovered Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted Grain Bread in our local health food shop, we couldn't resist the temptation to try it. An early warning should have sounded when it took all four of us to move a loaf from the shelf into our trolley. But, undeterred, we took it home and began to work our way through. Several weeks - and dental appointments - later, we had the loaf surrounded, and within a couple of months we had polished it off.

So, ye of little faith, if perchance you are planning to bake some bread and you are searching for a recipe, you could do a lot worse than turning to the Good Book, and the prophet Ezekiel in particular. After all, according to the folks at Food for Life, "this biblical bread truly is the staff of life". Amen to that.