The Tentacles of Doom

Have you noticed how many organisations there are with the name "[blank] Solutions"? Not "Blank Solutions", but "[---] Solutions". I think you know what I mean.

In which case, have you ever wondered whether there are enough problems to go round? Don't get me wrong, I know there are a lot of problems in the world, but I was starting to worry that they were in danger of being outnumbered by the exponential growth in the number of experts and consultants who could sort them out for us.

Until I arrived in America, that is. Over here, they know a thing or two about how to keep the problem plates spinning.

For example, how did we ever survive with "Urine Gone" (urinegone.com)? Currently heavily advertised on TV here, this essential new invention is billed as a "stain and odor eliminator - for pet or people accidents". Now there's a pleasant thought. "But" I hear you ask, albeit rhetorically, "how will I be able to find all that stray urine sloshing around my house"? A good question. But never fear, the good people at Urine Gone are ahead of you. Because, included in the very reasonable price of $19.99 (not including shipping & handling), is a "stain detector black light". So, rather like a detective taking fingerprints, you can turn out the light in the soiled room and use your black light to track down the offending puddle. Then, when the puddle least suspects it, you pull the trigger on your ergonomic-grip bottle of UG and the urine is completely, well, gone.

If that example is a little grubby and domestic for your tastes, which would be understandable, perhaps the product for you is the Roll Up Piano (inventionchannel.com). This, believe it or not, is a 37 key electric piano, with built-in speaker, which can be rolled up and carried under your arm, so you can "play piano anywhere!". The website warns sternly that "other roll up pianos can sell for as much as $250". Which other roll up pianos? I think it's safe to assume that this market is not exactly overcrowded.

But my current favourite solution to a non-existent problem is the astounding Doggy Steps (doggysteps.com). "Does your pet have difficulty climbing up to his favorite spot? The solution is Doggy Steps. Doggy Steps gives your pet freedom from the floor - and more companionship than ever before!"

Now, I don't for a minute want to be considered callous, or indifferent to the problems faced by the smaller or overweight canine. But, without returning in any detail to my favo(u)rite topic of the moment (see my messages of 25 November and 26 December), I like to think that, when God invented the evolution of species, He knew what He was doing. So, for example, giraffes are not 20 feet tall so we can gawp at them in the zoo, but because they happen to live in a place where the only vegetation worth eating is 20 feet off the ground. Extending the same rather basic principle, if little, fat dogs needed access to lofty locations, they wouldn't be little and fat, would they?

Problem solved.